Indecisive

“Look,” he pushed his empty mug towards me. “You cannot be everyone, doing everything all at once. It’s just physically impossible.”

“You know that’s not what I mean. I don’t mean physically, of course.”

“It’s not what you mean on the surface, but ultimately that’s what you’re trying to be: everyone in the world at the same time. When you say, you’re interested in architecture, let’s say, you don’t really mean it the way the others do.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, when others say that they’re interested in architecture, they mean seriously, that they want to pursue this for their career, at the same time rejecting all other opinions or what they believed to be options. But you, well, first, when you say ‘architecture,’ you don’t even know what you’re really talking about.”

“In my defense, I was never an architect or architect in training.”

“You’re right, but you still act and speak as if you were, when all you could mumble about architects was, and I quote, ‘artistic engineers who could open up their own studio.’ Or at most, you’d go on some prestigious architectural school’s website and read out the requirements on the admission page. That’s about it.”

He was not wrong. But I said I also didn’t see how this was wrong.

“What’s wrong is that you fetishize people and what they do, which is why you are under the false illusion that you could be just about anything.”

That hurt. He was onto something. “Say more.”

“You don’t really want to work, for anything or anyone.” He paused. “I don’t even think you care that much about money either—you hardly spend.”

He was right. “Hmm. Then what is it that I want then?”

“You want to be the mastermind that fetishizes yourself. You have this miniature world in your mind, and everyone, including yourself, is just one tiny person in this big Lego world. Things are almost purely pictorial. There is this mom holding a baby, and to your mind, it means that this woman is forever this mother holding her baby, immobilized. She must be oppressed, not knowing anything about theories of how marriage and childbirth harm women. Or there is this construction worker in his uniform, and you think that’s his essence, so you get all surprised when he waltzes into a supermarket to get milk. Perhaps there is a superior complex operating here, but I think mostly it’s your tendency to see only one dimensionally……”

“All right, all right, you think I’m an unenlightened proud brat.”

He laughed. “Perhaps a little, but also we could say that you are too inclusive. The only way to see everyone at the same time is to do what you’re doing: fetishize them.”

He pulled himself closer, and looked into me. “Look, I think it’s rather endearing, to be curious about everyone else’s life. The thing is, things become complicated when you’re both one of the Lego people in your mind and the mastermind herself. It’s difficult to handle the picture of the miniature world when you have the power to add information to it. That’s why, I think, you’re indecisive.”

This is quite intriguing. “I believe you,” I said. “Now what am I supposed to do? Not care about what other people are doing?”

“I wouldn’t say that. I’d say, just go for one thing, do it, and don’t speculate too much.”

“But if I don’t do any research, how would I know if it will be for me?”

“You wouldn’t. Most people don’t either.”

“Then what would they do?”

“They don’t try to live a perfect life, and they do many things at the same time. They don’t reevaluate their situation that often. They get oppressed, they get their milk, but they get distracted by Netflix and so many other things that they might not even have one breakdown their entire life.”

“So is that what I should become? But you know that that’s not my nature.”

“It’s not, so you got to practice. Then you’ll get to used to this.”

I was a bit tired at this point. “Say, how do you know all of this?”

“I don’t, really. But after some time, you realize that it’s actually quite easy to survive in today’s world. There are pretty much instructions and choice on every aspect of modern life. And I mean literally. You just have to be somehow literate and you won’t die, even in a foreign country. There are words everywhere, and most of the time, they tell you something. You walk into a supermarket, things are organized, and the numbers and plates tell you where things are. You want to rent a bike, you read off the screen and follow the instructions. There are signs just about everywhere. Now, signs mean rules. So it’s a double edged sword. On the one hand, for one group of people, the signs are a tool that either become white noise in their lives, or just help them navigate their lives. On the other hand, for some people, these signs almost normalize. They take them seriously and then get trapped, thinking, ‘Why are things the way they are?’ They take every option seriously and therefore are paralyzed.”

“So I’m the overthinking group.”

“Yes, you are.”

“Are you saying that I don’t know how to rent a bike?”

“No, but you take an unnecessarily long time deciding whether or not to rent a bike.”

“And this has to do with—what? The instructions?”

“With the fact that it actually requires a lot of civilized behaviour to be able to do it. You need to register, have some sort of pass, and a little money.”

“Didn’t you just say that things like these are easy for most people?”

“They’re easy not because there’s nothing to do. They’re easy because most people have decided that they want the bike as they approached the machine. They won’t really question the process of registration or cost. But you withdraw if there is one tiny element that doesn’t meet your expectation.”

“Like what?”

“Like if they ask you for a super strong password, or if the time slot doesn’t meet you needs exactly.”

“Well look, I don’t have to rent the bike.”

“That’s right, for most things in life, that’s the case. You don’t have to get that unhealthy food. You don’t need to succumb to social media. You don’t have to pay for what you believe is overpriced. But things add up. You reject one modern life utility after another, and eventually you do nothing.”

“That’s harsh. I don’t do nothing, I’m having coffee with you.”

“I invited you and you had nothing else to do.” He smiled.

True.

“Look, you’ve just got to accept that these signs, these instructions, are tailored for the biggest majority, not for you. People have civilized the world since forever and there’s no way you could justify or fathom why everything or everyone is they way they are. You don’t have to take everything as an invitation and study it. Don’t fetishize people. Just peer towards what’s attractive and try it out.”

I nodded.